I left 10 years ago, I left 3 years ago, I left 2 years ago, I left 1 year ago, I left 3 weeks ago...
I find myself leaving a lot… (almost) each time I left I was right!
10 years ago, I left my marriage, after much grief and growth, I know this was right.
3 years ago, I left my career, after much shame and therapy, I know this was right.
2 years ago, I left this blog/ website/ business, after much mental chatter, I know this was not right…..so here I am!
1 year ago, I left a very toxic relationship, after much anger and forgiveness, I know this was right.
3 weeks ago I left home, alone, for an extended trip with no timeline for returning home. After a few weeks and an extraordinary amount of time with my own thoughts, I KNOW this was right!
I am a thinker! I spend enormous amounts of time learning and processing information. I am quick to own responsibility for what is happening in my life. I learn lessons every day. I relate situations, nature, song lyrics and quotes to my personal life choices. I have often been told ‘you're overthinking it!”
SO naturally I have spent many hours curious about why I leave……..
AM I …...?
Moving away from the pain?
Moving towards something ?
I have decided I am wandering this winter trying to find myself. #wanderingtofindmyself….. What does that even mean?
Initially, my intent was to get away from the Ohio winter weather. I think I have gotten closer to the truth of “finding yourself”, because as I wander to a new place, I notice I want to leave and see the “next new place”.
I walk the shore to the end of an island and wonder “how do I get across the water to the next one, what's over there?” This makes for fantastic discoveries as I am in new places. Not so much, when the goal is to find one’s self. It feels a whole lot like trying to find the end of the rainbow.
It became BLATANTLY obvious to me that I am missing the very thing I thought I had confidently owned!
I need to find the peace inside me ...to be content, but not complacent, wherever I am.
As evidenced by my yearning for ‘what’s next’ I clearly do NOT feel this way!
I almost did not publish this piece. Left it also... Left it sitting in a private journal.
Left it because it's painful to look at it. For the last several years, I have almost bragged about ‘liking myself’ and being ‘okay with me’, while continually making strides to be my best at any given time. Telling others “the secret to happiness is being good with yourself” “Love yourself and all the mess that has made you who you are.” I honestly believe those statements, and really do love and like myself. HOWEVER, the missing piece seems to be contentment.
So naturally, now that I put my finger on this ..….I want to know more….I looked up the definition of content...this one from the Cambridge dictionary best suits my introspective situation.
Discontent?? What?! Not me… I accept virtually every situation for what it is and everyone as they are, and work with it the best I know how! You know? ‘It is what it is.” (A statement I secretly hate! yet,I understand the truth inside the statement.) So I thought I had accepted ~ “It is what it is”~ as a truism, despite not liking it. You know, there are just things that happen and you can not do a thing about it.
The reason I do not like it is because I feel like it is an excuse for too many people to do nothing and just say ‘whatever.
Perhaps that is what is healthy about it accepting things as they are, you don’t make yourself crazy trying to make change where it can’t be made. However, I feel like, until I have done what is in my control I do not feel content.
I know I find satisfaction in many facets of my life! What is lacking?
I am missing the human connection! As a teacher I was connected. Actually I was TOO connected, which is why I felt the need to leave. Currently, I have the privilege of being emotionally connected to my children, family and friends. Teaching brought me a different type of satisfaction. Teaching gave me purpose! This seems to be at the root of my discontent, I lack a greater purpose.
Now my new question is “Is leaving the right thing to do?”
“How can I be content without leaving?” I know that leaving the classroom was right, so, where is my contentment? How can I be content wherever I am?
HOW? Like when breaking any of my old habits...AWARENESS! (I have thoughts on this, see my old posts)
I am now aware of what I am lacking ….time to take action to change it…to make the connections that give me purpose….. all while #wanderingtofindmyself
IF you are wanting to get a start on happy habits…it all starts with awareness….making something a habit…even your thoughts is best done by writing …. I have a FREE journal download to help! Click your way to a happier mindset!
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About the Author; Cindy White https://www.positiveimpact50.com/ is a Personal Development Specialist eager to to help you live your highest quality life! Positive Impact is a site dedicated to helping you think about your thoughts and how they affect your life. Find inspiring photos and quotes on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/50positiveimpact/